Screenplay Idea DOWN THE DRAIN!

My dream of writing a killer screenplay was crushed.

Alexis Bledel stole my life and Post Grad screenwriter Kelly Fremon stole my story.

What, UCLA?

Yeah, that’s right. That’s filmed AT UCLA, right outside Royce Hall, the building which hosted many of my English classes. (Territorial growl) That’s my school, beezy.

Okay, okay, I’ll admit. This is a pretty cliche story idea anyways.

Here’s the IMDB summary:

Ryden Malby graduates from college and is forced to move back into her childhood home with her eccentric family, while she attempts to find a job, the right guy, and just a hint of where her life is headed.

I envisioned my yet-unwritten screenplay (still waiting to get some screenwriting software and my brain back from chemo/summer-rot) as somthing similar, though minus the stupid romantic subplot. I mean I guess that’s part of post-grad life, even for me, but I think reeks too much of corniness.

Sigh. I guess I’ll start working on a TV-spinoff now.

And in the meantime…this gave me a silly cover-letter idea that has the same probability of floating as this film does in the box office this summer. Um, in my opinion, it’s not the best time to make a film about struggling college students at a time when few of us (the target audience) have jobs and money to spend on frivolous trips to the movie theater to watch frustrating movies that remind us about our own dilemmas.

Yo, FILM INDUSTRY! We’d rather spend our money watching films like Harry Potter that reminds us of our earlier adolescence Harry Potter, or inspires us for the future like Star Trek. Or heck, even Transformers 2, so we can go braindead for a solid opiate-like 2.5 hours.

Well, at least that’s what the box office says.

By the way, if you haven’t read Roger Ebert’s Transformers 2 review, please do.

Here’s a taste:

The movie has been signed by Michael Bay. This is the same man who directed “The Rock” in 1996. Now he has made “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.” Faust made a better deal.

My inner English major (nerd) is screaming “OHHhhhh BURNED!” right now.

Anyways, cheers.

Hollywood features Sacramento

I always complain that there’s nothing special about Sacramento as a city.
The nightlife is too polite. The tasty restaurants are sparse. The public art stale and often outdated. Our sports teams embarrassing. The main employer in the city is the state, and it isn’t hiring. The terrain is flat and largely featureless. Our winters too cold and our summers too hot.

But hey, Hollywood once again reminds us that no matter the climate, LOVE can happen.

Here’s Katherine Heigl (Grey’s Anatomy, Knocked Up) and Gerard Butler (300) in a new RomCom, “The Ugly Truth,” which is SET IN SACRAMENTO!

If you caught the first three frames in the trailer, you can see the Tower Bridge, the Delta King, and a bit of Sacramento’s humble skyline.

I DO hope that is a Sacramento River Cats game.

I wonder if she’ll go on a date in Old Sac.

Go Sacramento.

Gamer Advocate Takes on College Grad Half Her Age: Is Fun USELESS to society? If so, :(

11-year-old Moshe Kai Cavalin recently made headlines as one of the region’s youngest college graduates.

This kid is pretty accomplished. I assume he received an Associate’s degree in Astrophysics from East Los Angeles College, an area community college. And he’s well-rounded! He excels in martial arts and idolizes Bruce Lee (like most of us Asian and non-Asian kids).

But accomplishments and endearing qualities aside, the darn kid had to say something at the last minute that really killed it for me.

“I feel it’s a waste of time playing video games because it’s not helping humanity in any way,” says Moshe, who wants to use his knowledge to change the world.

Oh, COME ON! This kid sounds like my mother. But even she enjoys playing Guitar Hero.

Alright, kid, you’re smart, well-balanced, and horribly cute. Most college-grads are/consider themselves to be (maybe not the cute part). But really? Generalizing an entire industry and culture of video gaming, and then discounting it?

Ho ho, dare you, eh?  Okay, okay, this probably makes me an even bigger loser-geek for making such a huge deal over the misinformed comment of an 11-year-old. But I don’t care. No geek would stand such an insinuation from a nerd, even if he’s only 11 years old, or your mom.

IGN wrote a little response that summed up most of my thoughts pretty well: http://games.ign.com/articles/992/992542p1.html

I, as well as the article, admit that the laudability of video gaming is certainly not comparable to say, finding the cure for cancer.

Perhaps I’m just simple-minded and because I am equally misinformed and admittedly ignorant of the possibilities of astrophysics, I can’t see how pointless and stupid my fascination of video games is and that I’ve wasted my time looking at words in old British books instead of testing the limits of science and math. Maybe video games can’t “help humanity” in the same way that idealistic 11-year-old (I’m mean, but what 11-year-old isn’t) astrophysicists might one day be able to.

However, I come from the new school of thought that declares that video games, play an important, though not central, role in humanity, whether as an industry, as entertainment, or as art. I think this concept is pretty well-accepted among gamers (we grumble when told we’re wasting our time) and the gaming generation (typically anyone who is old enough to have grown up with games; usually those 30-something, heck, maybe 40 and younger. We’re aging every day!).  However, those who were “adults” during the time some 20 or so years ago when video games were still considered a kid’s toy, and those who lack interest (who were deprived of the enjoyments) in video games, often assume that gaming is largely a worthless pursuit.

Ouch.

Granted, I think many of us can also attest to how video games DO NOT help humanity. I admit that I was once a video game addict, and I am guilty of shutting my family out of my life when they needed me the most; when my sister discovered she had cancer, my inability to deal with family’s and my own emotions resulted in my foolish refuge in Final Fantasy, of all things. My relationships were strained. I gained a few extra pounds (that I could afford) in my vegetative, snack-friendly state in front of the television.

But my gaming addiction (and some wise guidance from my mom) taught me a few valuable life lessons. Cheesy, yes, but this was a pivotal moment in my life. Video games served as a bit of an object lesson for me when I was about 13; most of us live our childhood and early adolescence in a bit of a self-centered bubble, the center of a world, or in a world separate and disassociated from those around us. For me, that world was embodied by video games. It was much easier for me to withdraw into a place where conflict was much more clear-cut, far less emotional, and death could be reversed with the administration of an inexpensive, 500 gil Phoenix Down, or the “Continue” option. The appeal of existing in such a world had its appeal, even my mom could see this. But what my mom needed to coach me to realize was that real, responsible, mature people can’t live in a self-centered world, or a silly fantasy world, no matter how awesome it is. Voila, my coming-of-age.

To obsess, or build my life around video games would be foolish, but at the same time, as equally foolish as it seems, I can’t deny that video games play a considerable role in my life.

Along the same strain of thought, to assume that video games only serve up societal detriment or has no redeeming value for humanity as a whole would be severely fallacious.

The video game industry functions as a sort of hybrid of the film industry (marketing and creative production) and the tech industry (marketing and development). Even the most utilitarian informed mind cannot deny the role of the video game industry as a employing, profitable industry that has broken so much ground in graphic design, interactive entertainment, and even the very medium through which we watch our movies: Blu-Ray or HD. Sure, it’s not the greatest advancement mankind has ever made, but it’s certainly noteworthy.

Entertainment might be one of those more frivolous pursuits that humanity takes on. It is, however, a sign of societal and cultural affluence if we can afford to invest so much in these diversions. And as trivial as it seems, entertainment plays an important role in the psychological well-being of humanity–or at least for me. Heck, if everyone set aside time to enjoy themselves, relax, and bask in the glory of small video game victories, we’d probably have fewer stress-related mental and physical health problems, if only by a few cases; I’m in no way advocating that video games will solve all of our problems. Excess video gaming– heck, excess anything–can be even more detrimental, as I know very well. But reasonably enjoyed, video games are active, interactive, and REALLY FUN! Is fun useless to society? If so, …

Some might not consider video games pure art, as per last month’s PCGamer article, but in any case, great author Oscar Wilde points out that “All art is quite useless” (Heh, this includes martial ARTS). Yet we make a special place for it in our societies and in our minds. Broadly defined, art is a source of expression both for the artist and the observer, subject to academic and social interpretation, and certainly weilds the power to expose, mock, and question society, authority, and well, humanity. Art and video games can cause us to examine ourselves, to question the notion of an impersonal and terrifying face of war in Metal Gear Solid 4, to be forewarned of the pitfalls of engineered self-improvement in Bioshock, or even to just have fun making our own art, landscapes, and physics-based gameplay in Little Big Planet. Games make us think, strategize, dream, imagine, and process the relationship between video games and society.

When you’re my age, maybe you’ll understand.

A Letter to E3: My Unrequited Love 4 U

Dear E3,

It’s been my lifetime dream (ok, since 7th grade when I first learned about the awesomeness that E3 is) to attend E3.

I was 12 years old, and back in 2000, E3 used to be a really overblown event, inundated with booth babes, fanboy bloggers, and what someone ultimately decided was unprofessionalism.

I wholeheartedly agree with that decision. By 2007, however, the entire event restructured, and became invite-only. Mostly to weed out bloggers and welcome “real” journalists (yay newspapers!).

The video game industry needed to change its public face in order to match the new market it was pursuing. Video games are no longer just for children (and many games simply aren’t for children). The gaming generation is aging, and the industry must age with it.  Plus, with the millions of dollars poured into game development and marketing, the video game industry needed to distance itself from Anime Expo and Comic Con (sorry) in order to be recognized and even more aligned with say, the film industry.

But still, E3 is filled with so much promise, so much excitement, forward thinking! So many things that I also care for, deeply admire, and would love to be a part of!

However, E3’s decision to privatize the convention meant that despite the fact that I was working as a college journalist, reporting to the largest target demographic that the industry would be interested in, I wouldn’t be invited. I’m in the trade, for a print paper, I’m not a fanboy (I’m not even a boy) or a blogger (except for here). I dutifully attended the sparse, almost dull first year of E for All, the consumer “replacement” for E3. It really didn’t cut it. I even more dutifully attended a second year at E for All, which proved to be even slower. I was deeply disappointed. I strove to bring back video game reviews and coverage at the Daily Bruin, both to serve my gamer-heavy readership and peers, as well as to better link the industry better with its consumers. I even dared to suggest more video game coverage at my internship, and got to write a silly little blurb on competitive “professional” video gaming.

All that I’ve done was not simply to build a resume for myself. It was largely to one day get to see you.

But this year, I got cancer, had to move home (with my parents) for medical care, and lost three jobs at college, one of which was my job at the Daily Bruin. The job that would qualify me for this year’s E3, which is now open for applying members of the media.

I’m sorry…the one year you’re available to me, and I can’t be there for you.

And now that I’m graduated, it’ll probably be a very long time before I find a job, let alone one that will qualify me as a member of media reporting on the industry (that’s my dream job, still).

But…I have cancer, so who knows if that can ever happen. I hate to pull the cancer card, but you (hopefully) and I both know that this is a card that no one wants to have.

I thought we were destined to meet, E3. But each time…my plans to attend you were foiled.

This year is the most frustrating of all, ESPECIALLY since, I assume, you are going to be revealing the next Hideo Kojima project.

Alas, perhaps we were never meant to be.

But I still ask you, from the depths of my heart to yours, if you will grant me access next year, whether I’m reporting or not. Just to be there, with you.

Nevertheless, I hope you have a good time this year. I’ll be keeping up with you.

With Love,

Jessica

Isolation: One Hundred Fifty Hours of Solitude

Well…I’ve been in this same room for about 6 days now. 5 spent in solitude now, except for the occasional doctor’s visit, nurses waking me up and taking my vitals, and my family members standing outside.

It’s wearing down on me, though not really in the way that I expected it would. I never anticipated that eating warm parfait and cold bacon is so maddening. The food people can’t bring in my meals right as they arrive because the nurses are the only ones allowed inside my room…so the food just sits there, waiting to be brought in. I bet even solitary confinement food is warmer than the mashed potatoes I had for lunch today.

But gosh golly, television is great. <3 I’ve been watching back-to-back episodes of Law and Order and House, lots of Robot Chicken and other Adult Swim programming (AQUA TEEN!), and even the occasional cable reruns of Full House, Fresh Prince of Bel Air, and yes, Sister Sister.

Since I moved home, I don’t have cable anymore. Dad feels like he shouldn’t have to pay for a monthly service like that. He also didn’t get us internet until 2000. And we were on dial-up 56K until 2005. Now guess what? We’re still using a HUGE house antenna to get TV. We’re in that category of supposedly elderly Americans who STILL haven’t prepped for digital TV and haven’t set up the converter box. Even my grandma has her box hooked up already…

Yes, our household lives in very backward times.

But maybe my dad is on to something. If we had cable, I could and likely would be doing exactly what I’m doing now: watching nonstop TV.

Between TNT and USA, I can watch marathons of House, Without A Trace, Law and Order, Law and Order: SVU, and Cold Case. Talk about a crime drama wet dream. I had the TV on last night from 11am-1am nonstop, without having to search far for something good to watch. I even watched ALL of the programming on Adult Swim. And could have watched it again, but I’m not a big fan of King of the Hill. I’m a bigger fan than before I came to this room, though. Hank’s voice is oddly soothing…

I’m a bit haunted by this one that Oh Dae-su says in Chan-wook Park’s Oldboy. (If you haven’t seen Oldboy, it’s one of the most disturbing yet brilliant Korean films I have ever seen. I recommend it…with caution)

“The TV is both a clock and a calendar. It’s your school, your home, your church, your friend… and your lover.”

TV is familiar. Comforting. Brain-numbing. Sometimes that’s what we need. Sure, sure, it can be unhealthy escapism from reality…but in my opinion, we can’t face reality 24/7 without going absolutely nutters. That’s why we’re wired with an imagination…and now thanks to technology’s ability to make us do even less, we have TV: society’s imagination. I suppose in a sense, it’s the acceptable adult reconstruction of the imagination that they were socially banned from re-entering after completing childhood. Or just our generation’s absolute laziness and inability to go outside, enjoy the sun, and revel in imagination without labeling it childish.

But in any case, TV serves a certain purpose. And it does it very very well.

Television has a special place in our homes, in our minds, in our hearts.

In our homes, the television is often the focal point of family rooms. We arrange our furniture to provide an optimal view of the tube. Stereo systems enhance the viewing experience. We purchase better televisions with advanced technology to better see the moving pictures. To make the experience more real.

Television piques our brains, our curiosity, our social-norms: the original Star Trek is famously remembered (and made relevant again in the wake of the new film) for bringing up philosophical ponderings about the nature of humanity, and even being socially revolutionary with its first broadcasted interracial kiss. Crime dramas make us marvel at the motives of vile actions and rile our desire to put together the pieces to make sense of it all, and somehow fit justice into the equation. Hospital dramas, even comedies like Scrubs, make us consider ourselves at our most fragilest physical states, and to think of death.  Shows like Lost challenge our ability to suspend disbelief, engaging us into a complicated, fantastic world where an island heals souls and bodies and blends the past, present and future.

And we begin to care. We begin to worry about Jack Bauer’s success and well-being. We cry as characters are mercilessly killed off in season finales due to budget-cuts and expired contracts. We become obsessed about the so well-developed characters of Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Locke, and even Ben on Lost and what will happen to them. We rejoice when Jim and Pam are finally together, and when crew members of the Deadliest Catch return safely home from a life so different from ours, with profitable pots of king crab. We sit on the edge of our couches as people die episode after episode, as lives are changed–at least as long as the series lasts, and as characters achieve the impossible–far beyond what we ourselves will ever hope to become.

And therein lies a danger: that we become contented with living vicariously through the characters we love and have let into our lives.

I decided to turn the TV off for a few hours today. Admittedly…after watching an episode and a half of Without a Trace and Law and Order.

I put down the books, the Nintendo DS (the Simpsons game is brilliant!*), the magazines, the compulsive need to channel surf.

I found that I need some space from our dear friend, the television. (After so much television-watching, I had even found that I have favorite commercials.)

My life currently is as least action-packed as it ever has been. It reads a bit like that Paul Auster book, Travels in the Scriptorium, only with fewer interesting visitors. No offense to my family members.

But in spite of the silence, the boredom, the bad food, the hospital smell, the lack of direct sunlight, the painful IV needles, and the harsh reality that I have a crappy life-threatening rare disease that Dr. Gregory House would make snide yet brilliant remarks about, this is my life: the life I get to live, rather than watch.

—

Other thoughts:

- Dramas, especially hospital dramas, have this nasty bad habit of having a montage of all the characters accompanied by a slow, thoughtful song, often something like John Mayer.

- I really like alcohol commercials. They tend to be very well-produced. The Bacardi Mojito commercial is classy, nostalgic, and fresh–with a great wardrobe too. It certainly does justice to the drink. I’m not the biggest fan of Dos Equis but the “most interesting man in the world” commercial is absolutely charming. Heck…even that one Coors commercial (sorry, not on youtube) advertising the new blue mountains indicator on cans is cool; that dart trick would be awesome to pull off in real life. I know it’s CG, but hey, it appeals to my college sensibility.

- * The Simpsons Game is absolutely brilliant. The developers know their TV audience and openly acknowledge the difficulties and gimmicks of creating a show-based video game. In a very meta-videogaming way, they even make it a point to count all the “video game cliches” that appear in the gameplay, i.e. pits of death, barriers that need to be destroyed, etc.  Bart even uses a game manual in order to discover his familys super powers. In one level, Bart and Lisa have to cross a river, Frogger-style. Once Lisa painstakingly crosses, Bart has to cross too, and he whines that the game is old-fashioned. Clever. I suppose that much of the glitches/difficult controls in the gameplay can also be dismissed or excused as the game simply making fun of its own genre. Very meta. Applause.

I haven’t delved too deeply into it, but there’s this one level where you have to save Carl and Lenny from buzzsaws of death (which the game points out is yet another video game cliche), and the two talk amongst themselves about their death. At one point, I’m pretty sure they scream “oh no! now I’ll never know what happens to Charlie and Claire on Lost!” That certainly appealed to my nerdy TV-watching side. Good move. More applause.

Thoughts

My parents always worry about me staying up so late. I guess the toughest part about living at home for me (fortunately) is that it’s more apparent that I don’t sleep until maybe 3 or 4am. It’s a lot easier to hide that fact when I’m at school, and my roommates only wonder about me, rather than worry.

There’s something special about times like this.

The silence, the stillness, the thought that everyone that I care for is asleep, safe, dreaming.

The solitude seems to preserve time, and allow room for thoughts.

Usually, the solitude is nice. It preserves my individuality. It allows me to think entirely of my own.

But tonight, I realize…perhaps I have been spending too much time in this solitude.

Not that I want the company of other people either…

I need something else.

–

I’ve recently been reading my sister’s college friends’ blog: http://www.graceandrew.blogspot.com/

It hits close to home and heart.

Cancer is cruel, but God, somehow, is oddly good.

I’m still trying to get my head around that number.

Lessons from Craigslist: Men- How not to Represent Yourselves

We all know what they say about first impressions. They leave…an impression.

Yadda yadda, cliche cliche, lead with your best foot forward, etc etc.

But in this new social space of Internetworking, social rules shouldn’t go out the door.

So here’s some good old fashioned advice from my warmest intentions to men out there, who are probably already confused about face-to-face social conduct, and are now trying their luck in cyberspace.

How not to do it:

Here’s an exact quote from a craigslist posting. No offense to poster. Listed under Strictly platonic.

What should I say about myself. I’m a 23 year asian/white mix male college student. 6ft tall, wears glasses pretty much all the time.

Hold on, hold on. Never, ever, begin a personal with an obvious question that doesn’t even end with a question mark. [Bad grammar -3 points]

Okay, so you begin with the physical description, way to go; like in a real social environment, this is how others would immediately see you.  [Understanding of social dynamic +.5]

I don’t smoke or do drugs, very rarely drink.

[How pleasant, but some might think boring.+/-0]

I’m shy but trying to being more outgoing. I’ve been told I’m nice though I should talk more.

Shy, okay, a lot of us are. A lot of us try to be more outgoing. But am I trying to being? Bad grammar. -1. I like a literate  man, as do most women. Be more careful about how you represent yourself!  Also, you let other people determine your worth? Your qualities? “Nice?” How generic! A lot of people are “nice”. How is this interesting? Relevant?  [Bad grammar -1, Generic -2, Irrelevant -1]

Not a big fan of sports, but I practice marital arts 2-3 times a week. I like art and playing guitar as well.

As a sports fan, I’m not impressed. But personal bias aside, sounds good, list those interests. Martial arts, cool. But mentioning art and guitar…how generic, again. And wait…do you have a job? Direction in life? Women like men with both qualities, and at least the latter….just being pragmatic here. [Boring -2, Generic -2, No money -0.5, No goals -2]

I like anime and manga(I’m not a hardcore otaku, but I try to learn about the more recent anime coming out) and go anime conventions here in Southern CA.

HOLD UP. It’s fine that you like anime and manga and all, but NEVER ADMIT THIS! Not on the first impression. NEVER!!!! Regardless of how you spin this, the connotation of admitting interest in such things is very unattractive. VERY. I immediately think: cos-play, sweaty hands, overweight, socially awkward. I can’t help it! The stereotype is rarely true, but that image alone evokes such distaste that the average female would be … repulsed.  You must first dispel this stereotype by proving otherwise before admitting such interests. Also, “otaku”? You nerd. Only otaku themselves use that term to glorify themselves!! True otaku find themselves endlessly flattered to be referred to by a Japanese word. And it sounds so much cooler than “gaijin” or “amerikajin”.  And ANIME CONVENTION!?!?!? Alright, you are from so-cal. There are a lot down here. But still…. [Admits Affinity for Anime -5]

I also like Japanese music (j-rock/ visual kei) but I also like American and British music as well. I like learning about different cultures, like traditions, languages and food.

No harm, no harm. A tad ethno-centric though, Mr. International lover. [Possibly Ethnocentric - 0.5]

I’m looking for someone I can hang out with. I have a couple of female friends, but most of the time, they’re either too busy to hang out with me or flake on me at the last minute. Even my male friends are usually too busy with work or visiting other friends, so I’m usually stuck at home wondering if anyone is going to be free that weekend

Sounds like you need new friends. Guess there’s no better place than Craigslist to find them. But by admitting this, you bring up this question—why do your friends flake on you? There’s got to be more to it than the mere fact that your friends are busy and…lame. And if you’re always the 3rd wheel, the 5th string, the one they always forget to call, man. You’ve succeeded in making me feel pretty bad for you, but I still wouldn’t want to be your friend. Don’t admit that!!!!! Let your merits, rather than your pity party, speak for you. [Admits Self-Pity -4]

So I pretty much want someone who I can actually hang out with and do fun stuff with. Someone I can ask if they want to see a new movie and they’ll gladly say yes or even better, they invite me to go with them to do something interesting, like hang out at a beach or mall or anything else just to get out of the house. Maybe we can even hang out together an anime convention or local J-rock concert.

Ah in this populous great city of angels, how lonely we can still be. But uh…there’s more to do in LA than see movies. Great idea, how non-generic! You probably do need to get out more……..so anime conventions or local j-rock concerts? (I didn’t know that J-rock concerts are local). How often are anime conventions? 3 times a year down here? So maybe the total of J-rock concerts and anime conventions = 5 times a year? Are those the only times you get out?  [Generic -2, Sheltered -1]

It would be nice if we could have some common interest as well (anime, music, culture, etc.) so we can have some stuff to talk about. I want to meet a girl who’s honest, sweet, kind, doesn’t have a lot of emotional baggage, is capable of listening as well as carrying on a conversation, can show me new things and is willing to try something new as well, and above all, can be a fun person to be around

Is that too much to ask?

If only it wasn’t so generic. Most guys want that (even the anime part). But hun, to meet interesting people, you have to be interesting yourself. When you run out of things to talk about (you both finished watching the last episode of Tenisu no Ojisama, now what), and get tired of talking about music (can’t be that much local J-rock out there), stop bemoaning the woes of a decaying culture, and run out of etcs., what are you to do? [Generic -2]

I’m open to anyone though I’d like to meet some Asian females, since I really never had a lot of Asian friends growing up. I live in the San Fernando Valley though I hang out in Downtown LA and the San Gabriel area sometimes.

“Females”? I hate when people refer to women as females. Or men as “males”. We aren’t some sort of specimen or animal species to be objectified. “Lo! Look beyond that yonder bush! See that she-human, running about! A female! How beautiful!” [Bad Diction -2, Possible Misogynist -2]

I’ll be kind and not pick on your generic choice of Asian women. [Generic -1]

I apologize if this is a bit too harsh. If you need help sounding less boring, I will proofread your personal ads for a mere $20 apiece. And if you were the unfortunate lad who posted this craigslist ad, I will mail you a beer and a printout of my advice for free.

Long time no write, Prompt 23: The Great Destroyer

I kind of gave up for a while on that whole women’s creative collective. The jet lag and expensive Thai internet kind of got me after a while.

Nevertheless.

Prompt 23:

Write something truly absurd; write from the perspective of an estranged or deranged mountain goat, go on a drug trip and wander through south dakota, go to a dinner party with drag queens at an upscale restaurant in New York, or if it feels more absurd, imagine a peaceful moment with your family or a reconciliation with a long time enemy.

I awoke and found myself on the moon, the dust at my feet slowly forming into my own little kingdom. I looked up, and saw finally that the earth was no longer pulling the moon. The earth was now subject to my own lunar gravitational pull. There was something so fascinating about defying physics, so satisfying. What other laws could I break?

I noticed little shapes emerging from my little sand kingdom, tiny doppelgangers of those I knew in my past life on Earth. The people I once cared for, but no longer could. I considered them. For the first time, I was able to understand them, and I realized that perhaps in my great understanding, I was rendered incapable of caring for such fickle creatures. Yet I, in my growing power, and my growing self-awareness, was no longer fickle, I was absolute, and nothingness. I could only care, though only slightly, of myself.

And so I watched from my godly perspective as people I loved fell in love with someone entirely unlike myself. I chortled. Fools. There was no point in falling in love, I thought. I was like that once, those long conversations, the flirtations, that light, heavy feeling in my chest. I no longer had a chest. And so I watched, emotionless, as they fell in love and lied to each other. I will not stop this, I resolved. I will only let them hurt each other. Their pain became my amusement. Let them feel what I once felt, I said.

I watched with great amusement as countries waged wars against each other, and people against people. I was enchanted by the death-cries of thousands of soldiers, as they sang their final songs to heaven and their mothers. There was something so seductive in death, I mused.

I observed children born painfully into the world, only to face more pain. I saw abandoned children wandering the streets, old men sweeping their rarely-visited storefronts, and old women sifting through dumpsters for aluminum cans. I saw women weeping for lost husbands, dead and living. I saw men crying secretly over secret matters. I saw rage, the rage in his eyes when he realized–before he killed her.

I was the desperation that we all feel, to grasp the air, or the trigger of a gun, praying for an end to this chaos, for control–and yet they had none.

I did.

They begged for an end. I let it continue.

I saw entire generations of children lost in a vacuum, I saw women being taken against their wills, I saw men sodomizing children.

And I cared not.

This is the way of life, the way of suffering, I whispered to a man lying in the street, half of his face scraped off into the gutter.

I whispered the same to a woman holding razor blades to her wrists.

I will not stop you from destroying yourselves.

You must learn on your own, to become like me.

I smiled, and looked down.

I saw her lying in his arms, ever so peacefully, like I was once. I whispered to them, I will not stop you from destroying yourselves, little fools.

And yet their adamant hopefulness jarred me. I began laughing uncontrollably, furiously, and involuntary tears fell from my eyes.

They flooded into my dust kingdom, slowly consuming the little skyscrapers, the houses, the parks, carefully manicured lawns, the children playing, the women weeping, the men pretending, and everything became clay.

I pondered the clay, its motionlessness, its flat uniformity. Strange, how all the pain could become so plain.

I looked towards the earth, and thought the same.

Goals, etc.

Found this fancy little quote:

“Just remember, the same as a spectacular Vogue magazine, remember that no matter how close you follow the jumps: Continued on page whatever. No matter how careful you are, there’s going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn’t experience it all. There’s that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should’ve been paying attention. Well, get used to that feeling. That’s how your whole life will feel some day. This is all practice. None of this matters. We’re just warming up.” – Chuck Palahniuk

Goals, etc.:

This week:

• Clean room
• Finish 15 page paper
• Finish Film final
• Eat up food that will go bad in fridge
• Call bank about travel

This month:

• Go to church again
• Start exercising 2X a week, and then every day: this entails cardio for 20 mins every day, weights every other day, stability ball every day, alternating exercises
• Eat healthier- less eating out, more simple meals
• Paint surfboard…figure out design. Buy paints. Gas mask?
• Set up darkroom to be fully functional–buy chemicals.  Make a set of prints, spray mount.
• Keep room clean
• Make lots of money to get out of debt
• Learn how to surf (even if that means just standing)
• Save up $$ for PS3
• Save $$ in general
• Look for new snowboarding jacket/gloves

Obviously high goals. -_-

But I’m gonna do it, somehow.

Woops, misrepresented.

Hmmm, I think I’ve made myself out to sound a lot more lame (depressed, emo, whatever sour adjective that I’d hate to use in association with myself) than I normally am.

Please keep in mind I usually blog when I have nothing better to do or during my darker moments.