Moved to a New Blog Site!

I’ve moved!

Please visit http://jessicalum.com/blog to view my new blog site.

Two Subjects of Celebration

Forget my birthday (in any case, when you’re past 21, every birthday is another sore reminder of approaching middle-age); this news is bigger:

1. I stopped losing hair. This is excellent. I’m no longer afraid of getting a haircut and terrifying the hairdresser when all my hair suddenly strips from my scalp. Shrieks of horror ensue. I still have a random white halo-like streak in my hair. People say they like it, citing Storm and Rogue (attractive, but mutants, nevertheless). I’m not sure about it, but I’m just happy to have hair, especially since hair-loss is NO LONGER AN ISSUE. YES!!

2. My blood counts, red and white, are almost completely normal, according to my complete blood culture. I’M HEALTHY. Considering. Nevertheless, my red and white cells, my lymphocytes and hemoglobin are all within normal range for the first time in several months.

My body has recovered from radiation treatment.

Another year…closer…

From Perry Bible Fellowship, by Nicholas Gurewitch

More on Cost of Living

I just received a bill from UCSF today.

Thank God for insurance.

My mom said that our house cost $40,000 in 1977.

Yep.

Well, I have to figure out something soon for insurance. I lose coverage under my parents in a little over a year when I turn 23. Unfortunately, I can’t just have any ol’ insurance…I need someone who can authorize a referral to a specialist. I also need to find an employer/someone to marry me who has Kaiser insurance, otherwise I will probably be rejected for coverage with my pre-existing condition.

Other options…go into debt to save my life? Refuse treatment and accept the inevitability of my death to save money?

There are some less extreme options out there, but they really require a lot of $$$ which I personally don’t have, and my parents are on a fixed retirement income now. Not like we were particularly affluent to begin with either; my mom was a stay-at-home mom and my dad was a schoolteacher.

Ugh…as if having stage 4 cancer wasn’t hard enough already.

Fortunately, I’m pretty asymptomatic right now. No more stupid fevers, no more medicine at the moment (YESS!!!!). I’ve been feeling well enough to get depressed over other things, like the lack of jobs that I’m finally well enough and qualified to hold.

Debbie Downer, Wah-Wah.

HAPPY VIDEO GAMES DAY!

Happy Video Games Day, everyone!

Yeah, who knew there was an “official” Video Games Day. But heck, if there’s a National Talk Like a Pirate Day on September 12, why not?

In case you didn’t know about today or forgot to plan festivities, there’s ANOTHER video games day on September 12. Yay!

Today was also special because at 12:34 am and 56 seconds, it was 7/8/09. Get it? 12:34:56 7/8/09. Although nothing else particularly magical happened.

I’m spending a quiet Video Games Day at home. I began the day by beating Wesker again on Resident Evil 5.

[Sidenote: I think that's probably the 5th time I've shot him with rocket launchers into that volcano. What a terribly  cliche defeat (Darth Vader, T-1000, Gollum, Kazyua Kazama); I wonder if he'll come back as an angry "I used to be beautiful" attitude like that one villain in the Punisher: Warzone (don't watch that movie). He was shirtless when he fell in...and I'm sure volcanic lava isn't best for the (infected) skin.]

Anyways, as a humble, slightly more public celebration, I wanted to celebrate some of my favorite often overlooked video game characters.

1. Mei Ling and Otacon from the Metal Gear Solid series.
   
   (Uh, in this one, Mei Ling has that wierd stereotypical “Asian girl” accent–not clearly Chinese or Japanese, and most likely not authentic. It bothers me a little.)
   
   Before the recent days of auto-save and checkpoints, we used to have to call Mei Ling and Otacon to save the game. And let’s face it, save points are probably the most important parts of the game. Without them, we might as well be playing an arcade game. Mei Ling and Otacon aren’t just any ol’ save point either–Mei Ling is most known for sharing short proverbs and bits of wisdom at each save–and in Hideo Kojima’s spirit of meta-video gaming, even suggests that perhaps one day people will be able to participate in “interactive movies”–which is essentially what video gaming is these days. Otacon functions both as a save point plus quirky quotes and support crew for Snake. He is even more involved and developed as a character in the story lines of both Metal Gear 2 and 4. He often suffers heartbreak and bad luck in his romantic life, and proves to be a father-figure to Sunny and a loyal friend to Snake.
2. Moogles
   
   Kupo! Moogles are among the most consistent recurring characters in the Final Fantasy. And they serve as the most adorable save points in the series. Awwww…
3. Mario’s Mushrooms
   Uh, yeah, these aren’t exactly characters in the traditional sense, but hey, it’s got eyes. These little status boosters come in handy for gamers like me who lack in hand-eye coordination, a handicap that proves extremely difficult while playing older platformers.
4. Lulu, Final Fantasy X
   Final Fantasy X is all about leading lady characters. Tidus may be the main character, but the women really run the show. Yuna, the main leading lady, and Rikku, her cutesy and scantily-clad gal pal often take the limelight, but Lulu is probably the least annoying women in the game, and thus my favorite. She’s a very strong feminine figure who is poised, thankfully more mature, and maternally protective. She is a little dark, but is full of kindness and love, especially towards Yuna and her romantic interest and husband, Wakka. Though she ultimately (if I recall correctly) retires to a quiet, domestic life as a wife and mother, she remains a consistently capable, powerful character. And just look at her–she’s smokin.
5. The Computer, Portal
   
   Portal wouldn’t be half as eerie without the increasingly disturbing narration by the computer. The computer isn’t completely an antagonistic force throughout the game, but it certainly isn’t quite as good a friend as the good ol’ Companion Cube.  In any case, that ending song is just too catchy!

Anyways, the list runs dry for now. More to come on that in September.

Ubisoft: I could put you in a condo, all the way up in Toronto

Ubisoft is opening up a new studio in Toronto.

Read about it here.

Hire me? Ah, I’d be so down to move to Canada. If I could get citizenship/marry a nice Canadian boy, all of my health insurance worries would be but a thing of the past.

Speaking of insurance worries, my birthday’s soon. One more year and I lose medical coverage under my parents, which means if I can’t find a job with benefits, I will have to pay for that $8000/28 pills for chemo or that $72,000 radiation treatment out of pocket. That certainly takes the happy out of the birthday.

Yep, that’s my cost of living.

I’m HOME!

Finally…I’m back home!

And that just about sums things up.

Isolation: Day 2

I’ve just begun the second full day of isolation in a lead-lined room at UCSF.

Day 1 was mostly uneventful, probably as uneventful as today, if not more. Thursday night, at least, I caught the season finales for CSI and Grey’s Anatomy. I spent most of yesterday sleeping and watching The Bourne Supremacy and Robot Chicken. And there’s definitely nothing on TV today. Time to delve into the books that I will throw away, and the Rambo series from Chris. Or perhaps catch up on the entire season of Heroes that I’ve been ignoring. Or the Office. There’s much to do.

On the way to UCSF a few days ago, I listened to this fantastic Talk of the Nation on NPR about what makes a great season finale. They noted that a major trend this year was killing off main characters, or leaving characters in a sort of cliffhanger–dead or alive? Example: ALL of the characters on Lost (omg).

I’m personally not a big fan of Grey’s Anatomy. I may have watched the very first two episodes a few years ago, but never bothered much to keep up. The last few episodes that I did watch in this season seemed…rather…ER-ish. Woah, shocking: two lesbian characters. ER did that several years ago. OMG Katherine Heigl’s character has brain cancer.  So did, if I recall correctly, Dr. Mark Greene in ER, several years ago. It killed him, too. He also got married before he died (okay, a few seasons, not a few episodes before). He did a better job at it, overall.

The un-originality of Grey’s Anatomy isn’t what upsets me the most, though. In trying to give it a younger-audience pizzaz that ER admittedly lacks, the characters are sickeningly self-centered, soap-opera-ish, and TERRIFYING while hovering over patients on the operating table. I hope to God none of my future surgeons/doctors have domestic disputes over my open chest cavity.  I could do without bickering or a pair of forceps being accidentally left behind.

Anyways, back to me….

I was featured in the Sac Bee today:http://sacbee.com/topstories/story/1866500.html

I’m finding that this whole isolation thing isn’t so bad. Lucky for me, as a mostly obedient Asian kid, I’ve been trained to lead a quiet, content life in front of a computer or television monitor. If only Starcraft 2 came out already. I’d be on Battlenet this whole 24/7.

Seriously, though. Television makes a wonderful companion, and I’ve still got some human contact. My cousin hollered at me from the door last night, brought me froyo, some boba, and her boyfriend to meet. I can still chat/video chat on the interwebz, and of course blog.

Sleep has been a bit difficult. The nurses woke me up around 1am and 5am to take this iodine to protect my thyroid. It was hard falling back to sleep. And I kept on getting tangled in the IV and catheter lines. Bleh.

Anyways, I’m off…to more of the same.

Hard Times

To be perfectly honest, I hate the situation I’m in.

I’m dying. No matter what I do, the truth is, I’m dying. This cancer will most likely kill me, a few years down the road, maybe sooner.

I’m too young for this, I keep thinking. I go to the infusion center where people get IV Chemotherapy. Everyone in there, with a few exceptions, has grey hair or no hair. I’m definitely the youngest.

I feel myself slipping away daily. The things I used to be able to do are no longer options.

I can’t walk well. The radiation to my hip caused such pain that I had to sit and get assistance walking around the house. Now the joint is giving me problems, and I can’t seem to walk properly.

I get constant fevers.  High fevers. Fevers that break in the middle of the night and cause me to sweat over my entire body and wake up several times.

I get aches and pains.

I have no appetite. Eating is difficult and even the foods I used to enjoy make me gag. My digestion is even worse.

Amidst all of this, it’s difficult to find joy. I feel very alone, even though I know so many people are thinking and praying for me. My parents are always with me. My dad retired early so he can spend time with me.

Yet joy is hard to find. I battle with God. I ask Him, beg Him to take this lot away from me. To spare me.

But He keeps reminding me that my joy should be in the fact that He has already spared me. He has saved me from my heavy and numerous sins and the consequence of eternal death. He has done so by sacrificing His own Son in order to replace me, in order to give me something I do not deserve. Now I have eternal life, a life unlike this one of suffering.

That is where my ultimate joy should be from.

But it is so so so hard to remember this. To find reassurance. To find comfort when I am suffering so much already. I thought I would have more time. I thought maybe I’d have one more good year, where I could travel, see more of the world, learn more, graduate.

I have dreams that are crushed by the simple death sentence cancer has given me. I had dreams of getting married, of becoming a photojournalist, of having children.

God, you know my sorrow. Please grant me peace.

A Book

I’m going to write one.
Forget the screenplay. Someone can write a poor made-for-tv adaptation of it after I’m done. It’ll be on Lifetime.