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Go to sleep and set your alarm clock for 3am. Wake up at 3am and write whatever comes to you. It is the magical hour of slept over epiphanies, sandman soliloquies, the lucid writing in between dreaming and waking.
At 3am, I did not have to wake up. I was trying to sleep. I could not. This was no magical hour for me. It is 7:08 am now, Bangkok time. I slept restlessly earlier yesterday evening, but I could not fall asleep. Jet lag. And stress. I have that same pounding sensation in my chest. I got a massage today. I couldn’t relax. The pounding happened then too, and I thought I was going to die because I could not breathe.
It is sadness.
And I need healing.
There are always those types of people (I’m usually one of them) who looks around in developing or underdeveloped countries and thinks, wow, I’m lucky. I’m lucky I don’t have to be one of these poor people, the world is suffering so much blah blah blah I should be thankful. Look how happy they are, these poor kids.
I’m in Bangkok right now, and I look around. In the hotel lobby, 3am. 3 French guys flock in. Giggling Thai girls in hand. It looks exactly like what it is. I look at them. They’re taking pictures in compromising positions. I wonder what is going through all of their minds.
Probably sex. And money.
It’s not that difficult here, to get all the bodily pleasures that you want, and for cheap.
But then the harsh realization: there is no love here. Everything is meaningless.
The richest people here are the poorest. And they live no happy lives. They sit across from the biggest mall in Southeast Asia, limp babies in their arms, holding up empty cups for a spare baht. And yet in their desolation, they are rich.
I wonder that if survival from day to day was the only thing I had to worry about, if I would be all the happier. Perhaps not. But I would be so much richer.
Jessica- that’s my name. It means wealthy in Hebrew.
Perhaps this is a sign.
When there’s too much to digest, and you can’t process any of it. It’s toxic, no doubt.
But you feel better afterwards.
Unlike other worldly–or wordy–endeavors.
On Solitude:
It is good to be alone. It’s hard to enjoy it. It’s hard to avoid crossing the fine line between quiet introspection and raving lunacy when you are left alone with your thoughts.
On Sadness:
This, I feel is different from sorrow or mourning. Sadness…it’s a light sensation, far more necessary to feel than sorrow or mourning. Sadness can exist healthily and constantly without really bothering me. I can be content but sad. Happy but feel the sadness. I’ve come to accept that it needs to be accepted as a part of my personality. Without the sadness, I lose much of my inspiration. Though my inspiration rarely results in much good. Nevertheless, without the sadness, I don’t think. I’d be to happy, and empty to do so. In my sadness, then, is my fullness. Not happiness, but fullness, and contentment. There is a certain clarity to sadness that happiness or any other emotion fails to deliver.
On Self-Awareness:
That sadness is necessary to my self-awareness. The sadness, however, is often a result of my frustration that I cannot ever fully possibly be self-aware. By self-awareness I refer to a certain fullness of understanding of oneself, of myself. I cannot know myself. This makes knowing others much more complicated, because others find the same difficulty of negotiating themselves. Therefore our otherness is hopelessly incommunicable because of our inability to know ourselves.
Temet nosce–I think this is essentially what we strive for.
And yet…
On God:
Simultaneous to our desire to understand ourselves and our subsequent inability, I feel that we strive for something beyond ourselves, the ultimate Other. This is the only key to understanding ourselves. We are innately selfish, so naturally, to create a design that causes us to look beyond ourselves for a selfish reason is ingenious. God. If we seek the one who has the answers, or rather The Answer, who created and modeled us after Himself, we will find, through Him, ourselves.
On Self-loathing:
And yet when we come to terms through Him about ourselves, we find ourselves still not fully self-aware, but aware enough to know that the self is something that must be detested. The old-self vs. new-self mentality. The old-self is that which we love, and hate. Something that we cling to. Rather, that I cling to. I love my old-self. I’m scared to let my old-self go. And yet it is something to despise, something that I feel guilty placing my affection upon. My old-self worships itself. I worship it. But it is wrong. But as long as I cling to it, I will have to hate myself, and hate the One who revealed this truth to me, the truth about myself. Not that self-loathing is suicidal. It desires to change the old-self but loves it too much to want to change. And the true-self, which is the negotiation between the old-self and new-self, must choose between the two, because there is no happy negotiation. There is always a give and more take than give. The change requires something the old-self is unwilling to give up. This is sin. This is habit, the habit of sin. It’s too hard to change. And yet because of this, the true-self will always loathe both selves.
On Solutions:
Si yo puedo. If I can. The big IF I will find it, IF I can do it. So hard to execute it. IF I will. IF I want.
Too hard to digest.
Perhaps my change requires something very ridiculous to happen that I have been wishing to happen.
